Still, a sadness pervades my entire body today causing eyes to droop and anger to escape lips. I'm pissed and pessimistic. I do not see the promise of what was promised to me by being born on this bloodsoaked land. There is no destiny made manifest. There is only a a legacy of genocide, a culture of violence, and a system of oppression.
It is Nine Eleven, a day when American patriotism wildly spreads its ill through social networks. It is a day of supposed unity around a collective tragedy that the world experienced. Only, the world experiences tragedy on a daily basis, and the one that occurred as towers fell and a pentagon burned somehow is glorified as the ultimate loss. It is not. It really is not.
I see too clearly the losses that are greater, the injustices that flourish within our global systems, the misguided notions of exceptionalism mixed with racism. I hear stories about these losses and injustices and misguided notions daily through news feeds and bus rides, and it becomes a weight that burdens steps and actions. It is what causes eyes to droop and anger to spill from lips. It is what is nagging me to nap.
Instead of napping, I type.
I am overwhelmed. I might even be lost. I most definitely am in mourning. And I do not need this to change.
Too often, I find myself in this space and do something to distract, to uplift, to find that dream that in that moment seems so distant. It seems far easier to find hope than to witness the darkness that is the legacy of American history. It is easier to not read the articles of black and brown bodies being killed by cops. It is easier to turn a blind eye towards the ingrained and exalted misogyny of American society. It is easier to take a shower as our deserts grow exponentially.
Today, though, I cannot distract or uplift or dream. I am compelled to just be. It is incredibly uncomfortable, and my heart right now is beating fast and hard. I am weeping as I type this.
I am overwhelmed. I am lost. I am mourning.
Today is Nine Eleven, which does hold significance. It is a reminder that every day is Nine Eleven.